Being Depressed sucks

I think I've discovered what the hardest thing in life is. Its coming to grips with the fact that you youself are the root of your own unhappiness. Its one thing to be unhappy and able to blame someone else for it. Its entirely another more depressing thing to be miserable and realize that its your fault.

Everyday I see the little surveys with their questions like, "Do you regret anything?", and then I see everyone answering it, "No, everything happens for a reason." I can't help but think, "What are they doing right that I'm getting so wrong? Why do I make so many huge mistakes? Why can't I stop myself when I know what I'm doing is going to end up hurting me in the end?"

Point in case; my dating choices:
Case A - Awesome guy, brilliant, gorgeous, dynamic personality, mature, oh and did I mention I just found out he has a girlfriend? Yeah...so there ya go.

Case B - Good lookin, steady job, charming, hilarious, lil bit of a partier, oh and once again...has an undercover girlfriend he failed to mention; strike that...FIANCE.

I could go on, but I think the pattern has been established. For reasons unbeknownst to me I seem to be everyones favorite Mistress. I don't know why. It took me half a year to find out about Case A's deceit...and only a few days to figure out B. The shitty thing - I haven't ended things with A because I really do like him. Stupid huh? Probably the most successful relationship of my life and it turns out to be a total sham. Makes me sick just thinking about it. I didn't think he had it in him, shows what I know right? ...and B, I def called him out, and he lied to me and said they were breakin up. Do I look like an idiot? Because I sure do get treated like one alot.

Lets not get confused here...this isn't just about my bad choices when it comes to men. I make poor choices in all aspects of life. Its not even bad like I'm taking the easy way out either...its just BAD. I think it all started when I decided to join the military instead of go to college. I should've stuck with something I was passionate about rather than waste four years in a dead end job. My second stupid decision was joining the Honor Guard instead of going to Airborne Linguist school. If I had graduated I would have a much more marketable skill than um...being able to "stand real good." Third one, Hawaii. God that was dumb. But not as dumb as my next one - Stephen...but we won't even go there because it baffles the sane side of my mind that it even happened. Oh and lets not forget about the DUI - that was fun. Followed by my homelessness and subsequent house bouncing which has me in the mess I find myself in now. All of these...choices I made. All things that didn't necessarily have to happen.

I would really like to move on. Turn a new leaf, maybe stop making poor choices that end up fucking me over...but it seems like I'm never gonna get that chance. If life had a rewind button, I think I would've broken it by now by overuse.

Not everything that's happened in the last four years has been sucky, just most of it. The unsucky things get kinda overshadowed unless I really think about it. I have a cat that loves only me, weird but cool in a selfish sorta way. I have friends that care about me, and are there for me no matter what dumb thing I do next. I have the best and most supportive mom in the world. I have my health, which when you think about it, is cheesy, but at the same time important to note. And I have my faith...however wavering at times, its always there to fall back on.

I guess I'm just feeling depressed tonight about the state my life is in. But I'm sick of feeling sorry for myself when its myself that did this!