I'm in "Want"

Its been awhile guys,
That being said...I have a few things to get off my chest...that I can't really say on my myspace because well, its being "monitored" for the health, morale and safety of the AF of course. What a load of...but I digress.

Have you ever been in love? I have. Or maybe I haven't. Maybe what I've been in is "want of love". Does that make sense? You want something so bad that you imagine or make yourself believe you have it. I want to be in love. I would love to be loved! (and no Mom, I'm not talking about by you) With my dating history its something I think about alot.
...Or maybe I've just gotten comfortable and don't want to start over with someone new.

Where did this come from? HA! I was watching "Scrubs" earlier, (A highly intellectual show with deep meaning) and Zach Braff's character was contemplating the same question. He and Eliot (a girl doctor on the show) had just begun dating after being best friends for quite some time. Now he had nursed a crush on her since meeting her and thought that dating her would be perfect. He quickly realized that although he really liked her, he didn't love her and rather than lead her on, he should break it off and just be friends. Now all this happened within a 30 minute frame of time on a television sitcom. (and everyone lived happily ever after as written in the carefully scripted screenplay) My life on the other hand...not so much.

The "lets just be good friends" only works in theory. It doesn't hold out very well in real life. As my brother once eloquently put it; "Girls have guy friends, guys have friends that are girls that they haven't f*cked yet." This is true. But I think it works both ways.
Here's my theory;
Relationships can always be built up. BUT. Once you start tearing it down, you can't take away pieces. It will all fall apart. You can't go back. I've tried. Someone, maybe not you, but someone, always ends up hurt.

I can think of two times I have experienced what I might venture to call "love". I'm playing loosely with this term, because I haven't decided if I actually believe it.
I've actually told ONE guy that I loved him and I think I did mean it that time. I don't regret what we had at first. I regret that I let it go so long, just because it was easier than dealing with being apart. If we had just broken up when things went sour the first time I think we might still be on speaking terms.
Then there's the more recent one. This is the one that's really tearin me up, mostly because he has NO idea how I feel. He's completely clueless and its because I'm stuck in the friend zone. The one I was talking about earlier...where we dated and then broke up(didn't speak for 2 months) and then became best buds again. HE screwed up, just for the record...and I'm the one that eventually forgave him. The odd thing was our friendship picked right back up, no awkwardness, we went right back to finishing each others thoughts and texting each other nonstop throughout the day. We don't get tired of each other, which is odd for me. We literally are in communication with each other all day from 0500-2200, and we don't run out of things to say! I wish I could just be friends with him and control these feelings. I wish everytime I heard about his dates with someone else I didn't get heated and jealous. But I do. Playing the confidante and best friend is Clearly not working for me. I'm right back where I was 4 months ago. My friends warned me. They said "He's bad for you. He may be a good guy, but its unhealthy for you." They're right of course. I just can't stop myself. I'm in a rut. Sometimes its a comfortable rut, and sometimes it gets a few rocks in it. Is it taking the analogy too far to say the rut is filling up with rocks and I've gotta do something about it before I get buried? haha, maybe it is. Anyway, what I think I'm trying to say is; I don't think I'm in love with him. I think I'm just really comfortable around him. We get each other, and it takes time to get to that point. I think I don't want to give up the ghost simply because nothing better has come along, and I don't know if it will. I feel like I've invested too much into this to just walk away...

P.S.
Honestly this post wasn't going to be all about that.
It just kinda came out, sorry.
I'll try to get you something more entertaining to read next time...and I'll try to be a little more reliable about posting in the future ;)